Ayoko na ulit magkasakit!  Bagong buhay na po ako ngayon. I will eat more, worry less, work more, keep reading and writing, and stop bleeding :P  

Take more protein, will have more viands, lots and lots.  I will concentrate more for my thesis, and stop all these KAARTEHANS!

I think I'm getting enough success!  Just a little more time, and everything would be back to peaceful emptiness...finally.  It's become so strong, I can't contain it.

2008 Graduate students orientation

Hmmm, didn't know they were so many.  I miss my work, I miss emceeing.  Glad I found bambang's blog here.

Unrequitted, and it's okay

That lubdub sound
Piercing my ears
       I can see you’re coming
I wake up in the morning
Hearing broken steps of yesterday
I was with you 
       From somewhere I cannot hear your voice
       But I smelled your presence
       I loved you within

I am writing again
       I found this pen when I found you
       ‘got my words back thinking I could get you
      I found my way when I’m lost with you
I am writing again
      And I think it’s because of you.

Fearing Happiness

I shouldn't be wasting my ink here.  I should be trying to focus on my work.  But you bother me.  You, despite the peacefulness and happiness I feel when I think about you, bother me.  I hate what I am feeling.  Each time I try to leave this feeling behind is the same time that gives me the excruciating injuries inside me.  I'm sorry, more to myself, I cannot do it, I just simply can't.   

But I know my limitation.  I know how far I should go, I might not be able to move forward but I know where I should stay.  And this is where I should be...far from you, far from admitting what I really feel inside.  I cannot tell you this because even if it would give us both the happiness that we need, that would also be the reason how we would be broken into pieces later on.  If happiness is what we want from this, then let us both find it from other people, from other things.  There are still alot there that the world can offer.  Not for us together, though.  

Plok plok plok Friends

Ang daya nyo naman.  Sana nandito din kayo.  Sana nasasabi ko ding hirap ako.  Sana alam nyo ding minsan kailangan ko din kayo.  Kagaya lang ngayon.  Sana alam nyo na pagod ako, malungkot, at kailangan ng kadamay.  Kaya ako nadamay eh, dahil alam ko'ng mahirap ang umiyak sa panahong malamig at nag-iisa ka.

Kahit isa lang...kahit minsan lang.   Pero di ko sasabihin to.  Wonderwoman ako diba.  Kaya kunwari matapang ako.  Pero this time, ayaw ko'ng kayanin eh. Baka sakali lang itaboy ng hangin ang mga letra dito, liparin sa sino mang makakaramdam.

Sige, ilagay dito!

Mark: what is that bullshit status message?

t_s_maria13: sorry, I thought you've deleted me again
Mark: so you are marrying Bill Gates?
t_s_maria13: How come?  
t_s_maria13: You told me I won't be able to marry anyone
Mark: it was in your status mssg
t_s_maria13: so?
Mark: just do what you want
t_s_maria13: which can never be enough for you
Mark: which is nothing
Mark: you dont exist
Mark: you're not a person
t_s_maria13: I know
Mark: hmmmm. I try to manage it, but I get deeply frustrated at times. I try to be distant to let you be, but then other times I try to take a step closer with no effect.
Mark: I have failed also.
t_s_maria13: you're just too inconsistent
t_s_maria13: and you've created a wide distance
Mark: okay
Mark: frankly, it's not worth the effort
Mark: I question myself, why do I want to climb your wall
t_s_maria13: it's not even worth the time to talk about it
Mark: I'm no longer interested. Real relationships aren't this hard
t_s_maria13: neither do I
Mark: sadly, it's not worth it
t_s_maria13: and I don't know the reason why you always have to be mad
Mark: you know why but you deny it
Mark: because I do have feelings for you
t_s_maria13: wow, not everyone in this world could hear such explanation
Mark: and your biting sarcasm
Mark: your negativity hurts. The wall is maintained by negativity. when was the last time you had anything pleasant to say?
t_s_maria13: since when you said you needed to distant yourself from me
t_s_maria13: goodnight
Mark: no
Mark: since forever

May Tama Ako!

Kung iuutos mo sa akin na tigilan na 'to, gagawin ko.

Kung sasabihin mo sa akin na kalakohan lang 'to, para sayo magtitino ako.

Kung lagi ka'ng nandirito kahit malayo ka, andirito na din ako.

Kung tatapunan mo ako ng atensyon, ibubuhos ko sayo ang sa akin.

Kung lilinawin mo ang lahat, di na ako magugulo pa.

Basta para sa akin, at para sa'yo.  Basta sasaya tayo.  

Basta may totoo.  Basta ako.  Basta ikaw.  Basta tayo.

Love really hurts

The night makes me realized that the reason behind this on and off misery is the absence of this despicable emotion for someone.  If he's telling me I've no emotion, then why am I hurting?  

I am happy, because I am a happy person; but this does not preclude the fact that I am also sad.  One needs to be sad to feel the happiness.  This completes me, but sadness torments me more than ever.  If I can control myself to laugh or smile just so I wouldn't feel this emptiness, I would be willing to dump it somewhere.  Sometimes, it's just really so unbearable that I have to contain myself with the littlest enjoyable thing that I have in my hand, or somewhere.  

Right now, I am sad.  Maybe because I was happy last night, or the other night.  Or maybe because I've learned that I am just a...whatever.  It would be too much to ask.  'might as well contain myself again with the littlest "attention" that I get.  I am not expecting that tomorrow would be better, no, I don't think so.  I am just hoping that I could at least forget about this, and finally find peace of mind.

How could it be possible that I am inlove, and hurting....