Just be There

I am a willing victim of claustrophobia
    Barely breathing
    Barely moving
The door has not opened yet.

I am fascinated by the physical pains
    Injured
    Fractured
For a moment, I can forget this emotion you’ve broken.
    
I am laughing because I am crying.
This can never be more painful
Than seeing myself devoid of pure emotions.
Than thinking that you no longer exist here.

So I would cry, I would laugh, I would smile
Because in the midst of all these,
I know I can find you
    Hurting me
Torturing me
Killing me sweetly 
And softly.
But at least you’re there.
At least I can hope
    That you’re really THERE.
    
I tried to watch the birds fly freely in the sky. I tried to capture the air in my hands. I tried to run till I got myself to nowhere.

I tried to breath deeply to utter the words I have long ago forgotten, but this small voice controls me, the little sanity that has never left me, but disturbs me so badly. I could have said it long time ago, I could have enjoyed that moment and let myself go freely. But I can never forgive myself for whatever will happen next, I know I will only find myself back to isolation. 

Time has never been too harsh, time has never been this long, to give me such long time agony. I will forget you, but I would have to keep my fingers crossed to beg the time that it may come when I can still hold on to this sanity I barely have.