From my FB note
Saturday, 03 July 2010 at 08:43

Ano’ng masasabi mo dito?
What stage na po?
Uhm, hmmm, stage three na….
What’s the next step po?
You will undergo some treatments. Either you have your mastectomy first followed by series of chemotherapy, or baligtad.
Doc, what are the chances po?
40-60% chances of survival.
When do I need to start the treatment po?
ASAP. Each day counts.

There. It was as simple as that. I was not hysterical. Prior to my last visit to my doctor, I had already did some researches about the type of lump found in my left breast. My doctor knew I do researches, so she had expected that I already knew my condition.

I knew it was CANCER. What I did not expect was that it would be in that stage. According to my research, cancer has only four stages, the last is non-treatable. Hospitals DO NOT treat the stage four. Mine is already in this advanced stage. If I do chemo or not, it would almost still be the same. I do not have much chances.

It’s confirmed. My researches were confirmed. Thoughts came running wildly in my mind. Oh my, I’m gonna be bald, wait, I haven’t had my MS grad pic yet. I’m supposed to visit some places, I want to go to Vietnam. Then I thought of my family. Mom’s coming back in December, and she’ll be staying for good. I don’t want her seeing me in that condition. We’ve never had much time together while growing up, and now, finally, she’ll be staying in our home, and I would be…bald and weak?

How was I supposed to tell everyone? I had to call some friends; but I couldn’t even utter the word.

I love my job. It’s giving me much freedom to enjoy the other facets of my life while at the same time earning enough. I don’t want to lose this.

These and all. The future suddenly became blurred. I was seeing everything the way I saw and heard people during my surgery under general anesthesia. I was almost aware of my surroundings, but I was so weak that I couldn’t even think of my next action.

D-A-B-D-A. I still remember these stages. I wanted to locate where I was in these; but I had to ask myself. What was I feeling prior to knowing my illness? Holy cow, I was perfectly alright! Why would I think of anything about dying when I never even felt anything that I would be dying anytime soon?

Get up, Lizet! Don’t be a fool! I suddenly remembered, I am a researcher.

So there, I did some researches, and I couldn’t be luckier. I am going to start treatments, but not a chemo. The prices may also be expensive, but I am going to live. I am going to continue battling for life. I am going to grow old with the people I love.

I am blessed to have my family, relatives, and friends who continue to tell me that I am going to live longer. I wish I could thank you enough. You know who you are

Please continue to join my journey. I will be a new me. I just need a few more months. My life continues as it was before, but with some precautions, oppps, I mean lots of precautions.

See you in December.

So, there, I had the surgery. It was exhausting, no, not the physical pain. It was exhausting because for the first time in my life I felt so weak and helpless.
I was aware of almost everything that was happening around me. I could hear my anesthesiologist and my surgeon, and the nurse/s around me, whispering something in the air that my ears could hardly reach. I was not able to catch up everything, some words went too blurred for my mind to see; but I was only sure of one thing: they were talking about "damaging my breast."

hmmmm. After a few months, I'm now blogging again.
I honestly don't know what to write here. I don't even know why I have to blog again. Just for the sake of updating my blog? No longer would the reason be that I am emotionally broken again? I don't exactly know the answer.

I was actually feeling the need to immediately scribble some few words here. I wanted to write about the almost one month of traveling from Cebu City to Davao City. More than that, I wanted to write about a very good friend Dann, and how wonderful her family is. I wanted to tell her how I've appreciated the days I've stayed with her family, and that FOR THE FIRST TIME as far as my earliest recollection is concern, I HAVE FELT HOW IT WAS TO BE WITH A FAMILY. Maybe her mom, or even Dann, didn't know that the hug her mother gave me made a very great meaning to my life. It was like paying off the more than two decades of almost living alone.

I wanted to write about the path I am traveling now. I wanted to check If I am really ready to stay single till kingdoms collapse, and if I am really contented with the job I am with now. Maybe I am, I was able to buy a parcel of lot, and still enjoying life during rest days. So, maybe I am. Forget about my master's degree from UP, I am happy and contented. In the end, these two matter most in a person's life.

It's June 12. No, I am not going to write about the Philippine Independence day, for now, I shall leave my socio political leanings. It's about my Dad, how everything changed when we lost him 25 years ago. How I am still longing for his love. and how sad I am now that I can barely remember how he looked like when he was alive, the figures that the photos don't show me. I am missing you, daddy.

For some reasons, I felt all the more lazy to blog, or to put it in a more honest word, I am SCARED. Until now, I am scared as hell as to what my upcoming surgery would lead me to. I am not afraid of the physical suffering that I may feel after the surgery, but I am just really scared that this could turn out as a bad lump, and that my mom may not be able to accept this. She had suffered enough when my sister had a heart problem, I cannot give her another problem like this.

So, what am I really supposed to write about? I've come to this point, wrote some words, but don't really know what I want to blog about. Maybe in the coming days, after my surgery....

So much have changed.  Life has no color, even if everything seems alright.  Life can never be fine without you.  Will you ever be here?  Will you ever back?  Will you ever love me again?

I'm missing you....

Ang kinalakihan kong bahay.

Nurturing Kalabasa plants.

Ang Pinyahan ko

 

 

Eggplant plantation.  

Ang paboritong sangkap ko sa bulanglang, PATANI! 

              

Bliss of Love

Holding your hand,

Walking slowly beside you,

Exchanging stories of our yesteryears,

Learning theories,

Our personal accounts,

Our personal views

Our personal feelings,

Watching as the sun hides to give way for darkness

 

Are more orgasmic than anything in this world,

But to you,

Why these seem to be more taboo than sex?

Someday, someone will give you all the things that you have already given to someone else. And it won't matter if you love him or not, what will only matter is that he appreciates you and ready to love you.

Joanna Mikka Liwag : sabi ni kuya, tatlong bagay lang ang kelngan nya para makasurvive dito sa tokyo: (1)internet, (2) aircon? at (3) ang kaalaman na may isang taong nagmamahal sa kanya...

Broken Dream

I only wanted you to hold me and tell me that you have really loved me.  Then, I can let you go.  Not this way.  Not when after making myself stupid for believing that it could happen and that it could be true.  Dreams, undeniably, are subversive.

I have loved you, and there had never been somebody else the way I have felt for you, but you wouldn't know about this.  NO way would you know about this; because you're now leaving me, and I shall leave you too.