Sunday, January 29, 2006

what i really want....

I’m supposed to be hurrying on something, I need to arrange things outside. A good work might finally be waiting outside, but anyway, I thought too that I haven’t done good justice to this blogsite, so I prefer to stay for some minutes. I’m used to this.

I know I’ve been taking my life so much for granted. I’ve come to this age without really realizing anything (it’s an overstatement, my dear), without really taking any straight direction. Maybe I haven’t just decided yet, for all these years. Maybe I should really have continued my calling; maybe I can’t continue another life without following this path I’ve so long been trying to evade.

I was so young when I decided I’d be a nun someday. There were other dreams of course, but everything just passed me by. And me being a nun? I haven’t forgotten it yet. But years had went on, and so my passion, and so my religious inclinations. If you asked me about my conviction, I’d rather say I’m a folk catholic, just to avoid the fact that my political ideologies had somehow made me agnostic, or existentialist for that matter. I believe that being a nun is not just about praying, not just about believing in infinite being; but more so, it is about a person with all the passion to help and understand people. It is about me carrying the task of serving and saving humankind from ill destructions of inner and external forces. Then somehow, this can put me in serenity.

I’m just giving myself another 3 years of my life. I’ve been through a hell of life, a life I’ve chosen to lead before. I was contented then, my life was everyday at stake, literally, but I got to do what I’ve wanted. Now, I’m physically at peace, but not my mind. If I were to continue what I’ve went through, then maybe I won’t be seeking this much today. So another three years won’t be that bad. If I won't and can't find anyone or anything special along the way, I’ll sure be a nun, or just anything as long as I serve people. But i do hope that someone might catch me before I decide, hehe.

I’m writing this to remind myself. Thank you for listening for a while.

posted by LIZT @ 7:05 PM