Now What????

Time is slowly passing me by. Yet I always have this feeling that I don't get to catch more of time to do what I want and need to do. Time is too slow in so short a time, late for me to realize I've wasted too much time and exerted too much effort on things I shouldn't give even a millisecond.

I want to go back to school. No, not to Law school, I fear that I will be wasting my time again studying Penal code and Civil codes, and may not even pass the Bar, I'm not that confident enough i guess. Besides, I don't think I can send myself now to Law, damn, books even scare my little pocket. I think I've learned enough as far as what a layman could learn, enough for those units i've earned. And I can't waste another years and end up wondering why I pursued that.

I really want to be in the line of journalism or broadcasting but opportunities do not knock twice. I should have stayed longer in our cable production, but damn, I didn't have the guts to be the Executive Producer of the whole station. You see, I was young, too young when they designated me as the E.P.. And goddam politics will always be the shadow, sometimes the master, of media.

This coming school year I might continue my masterals. Just a little confused now whether I go for my skills, or the one with job assurance for me. Or choose what would really make me happy, stay in a remote area, have a simple living with the deprived children and people there. But maybe I'll stick with MAED for now. I've exerted more effort with this. All I need now is to ready my finances, find another job which will give me enough time (and save energy) in going back and forth to UPLB. And perhaps, spend sometime again to may favorite places at LB. The Makiling, with all it's big big trees. This will be fun, I wish I can afford more units, fare is even a big burden to my pocket. And I wish mom would agree, so she can pay my house bills for a while..hehe (umm, maybe i can still do that, we'll see)

Huh! Am I kidding myself? Was I not supposed to be applying abroad? Didn't I plan this before that I should stop hoping to make a decent living in the Philippines? Argghh, I'm under lucid interval again. Ummm...The plan's still there I guess. I'll find better opportunities If I will be able to finish this masteral, or I can go for distance learning. Hooray!

(I posted this to give myself a direction)

He's gone..And things were never the same again.

Staring blankly at my old box containing all your old sweet letters makes me miss those days all the more. I can never forget your voice, your laughters, your caring which brought me in the best world I can ever live in. No other man could evewr make me long the way I long for your kisses and hugs, all because you had your special way in making me feel so special too.

I'm looking at your photographs, one day will come that I'll realize I'll be older than these faces I've kept in my albums. But I shan't be tired nor ever get bored keeping your pictures, because these remind me that I was loved before, that you make my world complete simply by just sitting there beside me. How can I forget your tears mixed with relief when I opened my eyes after getting drowned. I even saw you crammed when you were calling me just before I got lost from the deeper part of the lake (and this lake will always have special memory in me). We used to go to movie houses together, would share one sit if there was none available, I'm not sure if you knew then how I appreciated your presence. I looked up to your bravery but when it came to my expense, you were always scared, that's why you never allowed me to ride in your motor (I've heard you were among the champions when it comes to motor cross). For you, I was so fragile yet you encouraged me to be strong, and I had never felt so weak when you were there. You spent alot of money at my expense, you'd take me to the best restaurant cuz u said I was getting thin then. So, we'd eat the best lechon paksiw, fried chicken, and all those meat food cause you wanted me to gain weight. You thought I was still that sick baby you held in your arms, who spent those months in the hospital (when you left me, I stopped eating all those food, so now I only have fish and vegetables in my diet. You see how our parting affected me much).

Mom would always say you loved me more than you loved yourself, cared for me in no way you can ever care for yourself. We were happy, we shared the best times together, playing, talking, joking, haunting birds in the woods. You were the reason why I was strong and happy. You were my strength.

Then came one day. I saw you coming home. I thought you were supposed to stay in the hospital longer. But you were there, and I was thankful the man I loved so much was home. Morning came, noises around, medicines scattered on our bed, I went out to ask for help, and it was the biggest mistake I've ever committed in my entire life. I wanted to be beside you during your last breath.

It had been for several years now. I was young and more vulnerable. Life would have been totally different if DAD were alive today.

I had tried to be happy tonight. I actually forced myself to make atleast a grin. Life is disgusting tonight, perhaps, if that is a more appropriate word to use. I should not have postponed my travel last friday evening. I've just actually finished two comedy movies from HBO, and none changed my moods. I'm dealing with inexplicable misery again. It's been haunting me like a werewolf at the woods during the absence of the moon. If I could tell what's there at the back of my mind, I might probably cure this melancholy, but there's no telling everybody why. My friend would always say I'm being sentimental, 'guess ure right Vince, pare, you're definitely right. I can't deny this now, and the fact of the matter is I'm over doing this now.

I've cursed writing some years ago, I had tried to evade this before, I hated my poems, my stories, but then it's my constant companion, the long time bestfriend I can ever have and treasure forever. But this makes me lunatic, as I've always been saying. Like tonight, I'm supposed to be just plain watching tv, but I found this ballpen and paper, rather I sought for them, so now I'm writing again, and feeling so helpless ever again. I said I'd rather finish reading this book beside my pillows, but it's Emily Dickinson's poems and letters dealing about her semi-tragic life. God I'm so nuts.

What could be the best possible cure for this? Help me before I got a stupid answer at the back of my head. Catch me dreaming in the rye.

Nostalgia

A long handshake
And a little night
The pleasures of hello
The pains of goodbye
hurting
and killing
The sun never sets
giving hope
giving light
My heart forever waits
hoping and wishing
That at the dawn you'll be knocking
not tired
not bleeding

But in case you don't come
I'll understand
As much as I understand
our Revolution

But for now
I can only wish for another star
And bear these heartaches while fighting

Still waiting for
a long handshake
and a little night
hellos and goodbyes.

Travelling on Lenten

I need to travel anywhere, I feel the badly needed travel this time. Damn, I beg for unwinding, I'm lunatic again for the past few days, am I inlove? har har, no one's there yet knocking on the door, just fed up from work and I need to scape from this world.
I was planning to go this friday night after office, ill pack thursday night then ride a bus after taking a bath friday night. My plan was to ride a bus to Quezon, and then ask anybody there where I can probably spend a night, perhaps a cheap resort will be best. I don't wanna inquire yet for any place I can stay, it's a good new adventure for me. I thought of bringing alot of chips and bread, this can support my intestines for d whole day or so. and of course, my ever treasured books will be there, and my diary, and my pen, and and and my insanity..hehe.
well, of course, this wont happen, friends and I have come up with a plan this lenten holidays, we'll probably spend 3 days somewhere travelling..
Perhaps a guitar, our laughters, the simple talks, umm, we'd rather talk about our lives, and experiences (I should set the rules to set aside those political/social issues so we can be human again..), will be enough to fade away this melancholy i've been feeling today. I've missed those days, where have all the young hearts gone?
i'll tell u stories about what will happen..goodnight..

Parang nagsipagtago na nga yata ang mga tala sa gabing nagdaan. Pinilit ko'ng tanawin kahit kapiraso ng buwan man lamang, nagbabakasakaling masinagan ang naningkit na mata sa mga gabing nag-iisa, nag-iisip, naninibugho, sa kasiyahan ng mga nagsisipagsayaw na alitaptap. Aandap-andap na ginalugad ko ang pasilyo ng madilim na kalye sa labas, parang sementeryo kung minsan ang bayan sa kalaliman ng madaling -araw. Nag-iisa na nga yata ang kaluluwang ito sa pagtalakay ng nilumang istorya ng kahibangan.

Taktilaok, naririnig ko ang dating manukan sa aming maliit na bakuran, sa minahal kong bukirin ng mga ninunong nagkalinga sa aking kamusmusan. Gumising na kayo, humayo upang ako naman ang makahalinhan sa muling paglapat ng likuran sa aking higaan. Mahal ko'ng mga unan, ako sana'y damayan.

Minsa'y Nagsasambit ng Pangarap ang Huni ng Ibon

Maglalaro ako
Sa lumang paraiso ng paru-paro
Sasama sa landas ng ligaw na hangin
At doon
Ibabahagi ko sa kalikasan ang isang pangarap
Maabot na sana kita.

Huhulihin ko ang huni ng kulisap
Baka sakaling maikulong sa aking mga palad
Dahil nandirito
Ang sumpang nagdurugtong sa atin
Sa bukas na aking tinatanaw
Upang palamutian ng malamyos nilang himig
Maabot na sana kita.

Samahan mo ako'ng hulmahin ang kasaysayan
Kung sakali mang mahiwalay ka sa aking landas
Sapagkat ako na ang nagtakda
Na sa huling tuldok tayo pa rin ay iisa
At ipagbibigkis ng pinatibay na bagin sa ating puno.

Salamat sa 'yong bukas ng palad
Maaabot na rin kita.

Masarap mahimlay
Sa pugad ng isang pangarap....

Panibugho sa Ulan

Banayad ang bawat paglaktaw sa kalupaan
unti-unting pinapawi ang ingay ng pulutong ng mga kulisap
makulimlim na naman sa kaparangan
sadyang hinihintay lang ang pagsukob sa lumang dampa.

Nagbabadya na muli ang pagluha ng kalangitan
at magsasayawan ang tuyot na damo sa makipot na bakuran
magsisibuhay na muli ang punong-ugat
at lilikha ng panibagong obra ng mahiwagang kasaysayan.

Tag-ulan na naman
sa libong araw ng pag-aabang ko sa tag-ulan
naninibugho ng naman ako
dangan kasi ang ulan ay sadyang may kalayaan
kung bakit hindi sya kayang mapigilan
at ang lakas nya ay isang malupit na kapangyarihan
dapat ba talagang mahalin ko ang ulan?

LiZt